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Ein Kommentar eines leidenschaftlichen Onusben

Liebe*r Onusb*in,

es ist Sonntag Mittag, auf den Schweißperlen spiegelt sich die leere Sonnencremetube und aus den Boxen schallt „Vincent“ von Sarah Conner.

Der Gegner macht sich bereit, den Ball zum Aufschlag anzuwerfen, zum vielleicht letzten, sogenannten „Ballwechsel“.

Eine verkorkste Annahme, die der Mitspieler gerade noch im Stolpern auf die Netzkante gehievt bekommt, weckt im Vollblut-Beacher jede Motivation, den Ball mit 200 km/h in den Sand hinter dem Netz zu installieren.

Doch es soll einfach nicht sein: Netzkante – und – Fehler. Die letzte Chance, dem Ruhmtod zu entkommen, ist dahin.

Nach tagelanger selbstkritischer Analyse, wie es zu dieser Blamage kommen konnte, fällt es einem wie Schuppen von den Augen:

Man ist zu klein.

Ein gesundes Abwägen der Möglichkeiten und ein kurzer Arztbesuch machen klar, dass man auch in 2 Jahren noch nicht Oleg Stoyanovskiy die Mütze vom Kopf reißen kann. So kommt es, dass sich einem immer mehr die Frage aufdrängt:

Wie kann ich höher springen?

Nun, liebe*r Onusb*in, falls ich gerade deinen Durchschnitts-Sommer-Sonntag 2019 beschrieben habe, lehn dich entspannt zurück. Alle deine Sorgen sollen verschwinden, wenn du diese Schritte zum hohen Sprung verfolgst:

    1. Ein Rammlerbräu kaltstellen
    2. Zieh erst die Sandalen, dann die Socken und anschließend die Sandalen wieder an.
    3. Viel Red Bull trinken, weil Red Bull verlei…Haaaaalt Stop! Jetzt nimm diesen Punkt besser nicht so ernst!
    4. Nur wer top aussieht, kann top Leistung bringen“ – Daniel Aristoteles, 336 v.Chr. Was schon bekannt war, als man zur „Verteidigung gegen den übermächtigen Angriff“ (s. https://www.volleyballclub.de/wissenswertes/historische-regeln, 1937) noch mehrere Ballkontakte verwenden durfte, ist heute nicht minder effizient. Ein gepflegter Irokesenschnitt z.B. erzeugt nicht nur eine günstige Aerodynamik, er vergrößert auch noch den Block, an dem nun keine 1,60m-Frau mehr vorbeikommt. Nimm bloß genug Haarspray mit!
    5. Kein Kommentar
    6. Regelmäßiges Bizepstraining, bis er (der Bizeps) groß genug ist. Dadurch springt man zwar nicht wirklich höher, aber man ist sich den gegnerischen Respekt auf andere Weise sicher, und die After Beach Party läuft auch besser. Für angehende Profis ist außerdem ein Proteinriegel vor und ein Proteinshake nach dem Training zu empfehlen.
    7. Folge @volley_pod auf Instagram und ONUSBnation auf Twitch und allen anderen Kanälen.
    8. Regelmäßiges Fußzehentraining. Weil das einfach kein Schwein macht, ist das eine hervorragende Möglichkeit, besser aus der Quarantäne zu kommen (oder sogar zu springen!) als alle anderen. Also, pack die 1kg-Gewichte aus und los geht’s!
    9. Falls du noch mehr Tipps für eine bessere Sprungkraft suchst, schreib doch mal eine nette Nachricht an @alex_walkenhorst oder in den Livechat bei Twitch. Ein bisschen Abwechslung ist dort immer gern gesehen.
    10. Gekühltes Rammlerbräu vernichten.

Bis bald! #schüttein

88 Gedanken zu „Kein Kommentar“

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